Lay Lady Lay, that's Monster Magnet.
My name's Adam Buxton.
My name's, uh, Joe Cornish.
Why did you have to think about it?
Uh, yeah, I did.
Okay, then.
And we're Adam and Joe here for the next 1 hour and 55 minutes on XFM.
We've got very good music coming your way from the likes of Franz, Ferdinand, NERD, Snow Patrol, The Morrissey, Foo Fighters, etc.
etc.
As well as a few surprises we might try and slip in there.
And as usual, we'll be chatting about things we've seen on television this week, movies, movies, movies.
I feel like doing a lazy review of Troy this week.
That's a good idea.
We could do a lazy review of The Last Ever Friends as well.
Oh yeah, I thought it was last night.
Everybody's talking about it.
It's last night in America apparently, not in Britain, so I've been told.
Cause I tuned in, I thought it was last night, I tuned in and I thought, well this isn't the last, this is just another boring old piece of old toilet.
I tuned in and I just assumed that everyone was the last one.
That's a strange ending.
Oh, no, this must be the last episode.
I'm so sad.
And here's another one.
Do you ever laugh during Friends?
Oh, sometimes, yeah.
Yeah, because you do, don't you?
Because there are funny things in it.
Friends is weirdly good.
It is weirdly good.
But there's so much of it that's like a smack in the face.
You know what I mean?
It makes you just want to smash your telly.
And then something will creep along and make you laugh and then you feel quite dirty.
You know what I'm saying?
What else did you watch last night?
I watched, well last week we were talking, was it last week we were talking about Craig Charles?
A couple of weeks ago, yeah.
We were talking about Craig Charles and the fact that he's never off the telly.
For some reason.
He's got a new show called Weapons of Mass Distraction.
Yeah.
And I saw him, first of all I haven't seen his new do yet.
He's got an afro and a soul beard.
And you know when someone with a famous face has a new hairdo, it just looks like a costume.
Because you're just used to their face in one, looking one way, and then it just looks like he's drawing it on with a burnt cork, and he's wearing a wig.
And you were all, I saw about ten seconds of this show, but it was enough to shock my system.
He was coming out of a joke, and then he introduced the band, who were Goldfrapp.
But he introduced the band, he went, and now, Goldfrapp!
in exactly that tone.
As if they were so amazing that he was furious with whatever response the audience could give, he would be furious.
He was obviously angry with them for being so amazing.
So he announced them, Goldfraaaaaap!
Like that.
It's just another day in the Craig Charles funky bunker of musical madness.
Yeah.
Well, that's an amazing show.
Was it about sex again this week, do you know?
Uh, apparently.
I switched off after he said gold frat like that.
But yeah, apparently it was about women who'd, uh, shag footballers.
I think it's always about sex.
I'm not quite sure.
I'm not sure if it's themes.
What isn't about sex, Adam?
Uh, good, uh, yeah.
The other stuff I watched on telly last night was Distraction, not Weapons Of.
The Jimmy Carr game show.
Jimmy Carr game show, channel 4, 10, 30 I think it is.
Surprised that I really liked it actually.
Didn't watch the whole thing because I turned over and watched Jonathan Ross.
But I thought it was really strong, and Jimmy Carr really made me laugh.
Did they do the Wii in-game again?
Didn't see any of the games.
There's quite a long bit of the... It's a game show!
Not really, for the first ten minutes it's a Jimmy Carr show.
Is it?
Yeah, and they just have the guests out there, and Jimmy says funny things to them, because they're all quite well-picked, freaky people that they have.
Right.
As panellists, and Jimmy just sort of says... I'm fairly certain pre-rehearsed stuff to them, but it's funny stuff.
And he does it really well, and I've never really got Jimmy Carr before.
And now he's kind of maneuvered his sort of weird schtick around to a very funny place.
And he's doing it incredibly well, so I was converted.
I'm a... I'm a... I'm a Carf Buff.
Car buff?
Yeah.
I'm car crazy.
I buy car magazines.
And Derren Brown was the other thing I watched.
You've seen Derren Brown before, right?
Yes.
What do you think of the show?
I like Derren Brown.
I think there's a problem with his show though.
The problem is that when they used to do Magic on Telly, Paul Daniels style, in fact it said this quite well in Private Eye the other week, they would lock off the camera.
and sustain the shot, so you knew that there was, even though it was trickery, you could guess, you know, the parameters were limited, so it was possible to guess how he might be doing it.
With Darren, the show is so layered with
different layers of editing, there's just so much scope for trickery, that it just becomes in the end a bit... Well that's the thing, because it's all about the suggestiveness of his victims, as it were.
you know, the people that he does his tricks on.
So for example, last night he had a thing about, he had a film student and he said, you know, what you need to do this next trick is a suggestive person.
Who's more suggestive than a film student?
Didn't quite follow that logic.
I think it's just because, you know, they're so imaginative.
that they want to believe all sorts of things.
They're just gullible.
They believe that they'll make films.
Yeah.
One day.
And they won't.
Probably.
There you go.
Who's more suggestible than a film student?
So he does this thing where he supposedly is going to fool this guy into thinking that he's become invisible, that Darren Brown's become invisible.
So presumably this is just a bit of hypnotism he does.
But he does it so fast that all he does is lean over, once he's explained the premise, and say, you can't see me anymore.
And then he backs away very slowly.
And sure enough the film students like, what?
Who said that?
What's going on?
Where's Derren gone?
And then Derren goes away and he comes back in and he's wearing like a invisible man outfit.
with bandages around him and everything and dark glasses and he sits down in front of the guy and the guy can see this, right?
What?
Can see the invisible man outfit?
Can see the invisible man outfit?
But when he starts to take the... The bandages off!
The bandages off!
The guy's mind starts blowing all over the room!
Can I tell you like...
an ancient principle of magic.
There's something in magic called prompting, or queuing, and this has been going on for a hundred years, I only read about it recently.
And what you do is, it's a basic thing that magicians use a lot, you get to put an audience member up on stage, and you say for instance, write, and you've got a microphone that's on,
And you say into the microphone, ladies and gentlemen, I've never met this person before, in a second, every time I touch him, he's gonna act as if he's had a huge electric shock.
And then what you do is you turn to the contestant, you drop your microphone away from your mouth, so you're no longer audible, and you just say to him, quietly in his ear, act like you've been shocked.
And it's important to say it in a really angry voice.
So the person goes, what did you just say to me?
There's millions of people looking at me.
Oh my God.
And he acts like he's been shot.
And everyone goes, you don't do what I tell you, you're gonna look like a jerk.
And that's a basic principle of magic.
So when you can get away with stuff like that...
The scope for stuff like that in Darren's show is just too big.
I like a lot of his stuff.
I mean, I wasn't questioning the validity of what he was doing, but it just occurred to me that actually the audience is in the same position as the guy.
You're being asked to just believe a whole lot and take his word for it.
Yeah, yeah.
The audience maybe isn't in the same position as the guy.
Why not?
Guy's probably on the production team.
Oh, fair enough.
Yeah, had a little sound effect on the end of that one.
That was lovely.
That was The Strokes with 1251.
It's Adam and John, XFM Runners 104.9.
I haven't seen an advert that I have not seen, which is unusual.
Have you?
I can't believe you haven't seen it.
I think it's for Marks and Spencers.
And it's apparently real people who clearly aren't real people, which is a big trend in adverts at the moment.
And magic shows.
And magic shows.
Talking about, I'd just like to stress very quickly that I am a big fan of Darren Brown and do enjoy the show.
Because we occasionally bump into Darren and I don't want him to serve magic my mind.
But I wouldn't worry.
So this advert, there's these people sat in a room talking about all the delicious food you can get from M&S.
And they seem to be real people.
But the way they speak is sort of disgusting and it turns you off the food.
There's one girl, particularly, who says... She does that.
What's she eating?
She's not actually eating anything.
She's imagining, she's remembering how amazing it was to eat something.
And these are like Vox Pops with people in the street?
No, in their homes.
In their homes.
In their homes.
And so they're sat there and then someone says, yeah, spaghetti bolognese, linguine, lasagna.
It's like an Italian banquet.
I tell you what, it is difficult to do, though.
It's difficult to pretend.
When you're saying something scripted, it is very difficult to pretend you're being spontaneous.
Of course.
And a lot of people end up just putting gammy pauses in sentences.
That's right.
You finish, though.
And there's one woman at the end who particularly freaks my mind, and she's got a really sort of filthy face, which is I guess why they picked her for it.
What does a filthy face look like?
Just like a naughty, dirty pixie.
That's not a filthy face.
It's just a needy face.
Yeah, that's a thick face.
So I'm not even sure what she's talking about, because the people are pretending to be so real that their addiction is almost completely unintelligible.
And this woman says something, I don't know what she's talking about, and she goes, they entertain other parts of me that men can't reach, should you say.
What part can a man not reach?
Well, that's why I was thinking, like, her guts.
Well, you can reach the guts.
I mean, but surely it's not just men who can't reach her guts.
I'll tell you what would be difficult.
To get inside the skull would be hard.
Right, her brain.
Like, actually tickle the brain.
But you could get in there via the nostrils.
Well, what food would be doing that?
I mean, the question, obviously, is that she's talking about a minky.
But, you know, you just think, why, what's she doing with the food?
Well, maybe it's a really long pointy lolly.
OK.
So we should play some music now.
No, no, no, she's putting it in her mouth and it's gone into her brain.
No, no, you're digging yourself in more.
This is a new track from N.E.R.D.
It's called Maybe.
We've never heard it before, so you're as in the dark as us.
Hope we enjoy it.
Pointy lolly.
Pointy lolly.
Love was the egg.
See.
That's N-E-R-D with a track called Maybe.
It sounds a bit like Randy Newman and Eagle Eye Cherry.
Yeah, I'm sitting here going through the emails and they're very, very eclectic this week.
Really?
We've got some really enthusiastic ones, people who love us.
But then I'll just be feeling really Boyd.
Boyd Hilton.
Boyd Hilton.
And then I'll come across one that just says, you are bad.
There's another one that says, Joe, aren't you jealous that Adam is more successful than you?
What?
That got me.
But you know, it's like an emotional rollercoaster on these emails.
Jesus.
You can email us at adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
You can text us.
Can they text us, Brian?
I don't know.
They've rubbed it off the board, the text number.
83936.
Now, I want to talk about something that I think needs to be talked about, which is Lenny Henry's show on the BBC Last Night.
So that was the beginning of a new series, was it?
No, it was the second show in a new series.
Listeners, I don't know Lenny Henry's new show.
I love Lenny Henry.
Let me say this.
I used to love Tiz Woz.
I grew up with him.
I used to love three of a kind.
In the same house you grew up with Lenny?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
So you do love him.
He's a lovely man.
Yeah.
He's a lovely man.
So funny.
But something's gone wrong, hasn't it?
Well, I tell you what man, I didn't see the show, but I tuned in towards the end and I assumed it was a repeat of an old series because there was a sketch of Lenny pretending to be Gabrielle and the sketch was basically about that Gabrielle has an eye patch and the rest of the band were pirates and Lenny was dressed as a pirate when he was singing, without jokes, a Gabrielle song.
And then the show ends and Lenny comes out and says, thanks very much for watching.
And then Gabrielle, the real Gabrielle comes out and Lenny goes, uh oh, I'm in trouble now.
Well this is the thing about it, it's basically, it would be.
But somehow it's ended up during a sort of family adult viewing time.
What time is it on, like 8 or 9 or something?
Yeah, 9, 9.30.
Yeah, when kids should be in bed.
But listen man, don't forget that the BBC on Friday night, that's a very mainstream proposition.
That's fine, but there's mainstream and there's mainstream, you know?
Yeah.
The stream is too main.
Well, I don't know, but you know, we might be snobby about comedy and people are just coming round to the patch joke in the rest of the country, who knows?
And they might be really...
I might really be tickled by that.
The thing that gets me is, we'll put the sketches to one side, but the thing that gets me, and listeners please do contact us, maybe we're getting this totally wrong, maybe people out there find Lenny's new show funny, and I repeat, we love Lenny, but it's the way that he does his stand up bits.
that are very mannered, and I think he's decided on certain rules.
So I'm going to give you a joke, Adam, and I'm going to try and coach you to do it like Lenny.
So the joke is about athletics, and it's an observational joke.
It's athletics.
The clothes they're wearing are getting smaller and smaller.
It's like a 100 meter biology lesson.
Pretty soon they'll be going out onto the running track naked.
That's right, pin a number on my butt and I'm ready to go.
Okay, yeah, well you did that pretty well.
Thank you.
So, if you want to do it like Lenny, first of all, do it in a strange, slightly American accent.
Right.
For no apparent reason.
Secondly, make sure there's a silly bit of dialogue in it that you do in a funny voice.
So that's the bit at the end.
Pin a number on my button, I'm ready to go.
Okay.
and then single someone in the audience out while you tell the joke.
Say something like, you know what I'm talking about, that guy there, don't be shy!
To intimidate the audience, to make nervous laughter.
Be unable to suppress your own giggles during the joke.
This is a lot to remember.
Well these are just things you can do to make just a statement appear to be like a joke.
And then at the end, strut around the stage, run around doing an over-the-top mime of what you just did, and do that.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that mean and cynical?
Is that your stomach?
Maybe.
Is that mean and cynical?
It's difficult.
There's more to it than that, man.
Is there?
Are you sure?
Yeah, there is.
He's good.
He's very funny.
He's been doing a lot of private gigs to warm up for that show.
And I've only heard good things about them.
You know, he's not everyone's cup of tea, is he?
And I stress that he's not trying to push back boundaries anymore, he's just trying to funny bone.
Have you seen the news desk report he does?
No.
Oh, boy.
Well, listen, don't forget that Vernon Kaye is also fond of a few bad news-based gags.
Yeah.
And he's Mr. Hip and Trendy, so who knows?
There's no accounting for taste.
Let's move on.
It's too difficult.
It's a minefield.
It's a minefield.
Here's some adverts.
Very strong, that's Orpheus by Ash.
Kind of doing what I wish Supergrass would do a bit more of, if you know what I'm saying.
What's that?
Just rocking their nuts.
Rocking out.
Supergrass is very 80s their new single, isn't it?
Yeah, very 80s.
It's all wizzy, bangy and poppy.
I don't mind though, I love Supergrass.
Yes!
Coming up later in the show, very shortly in fact we have a celebrity regression therapy quiz for you.
This is when Joe puts me in deep hypnosis.
It's based on what they do on This Morning with Phil and Fern.
The man with the healing hands on This Morning with Phil and Fern.
Sounds sexy, no.
He puts his hands on your knee if you've got knee problems.
Oh yes I have!
And he makes it slightly better.
You know what makes me suspicious about him?
What?
Lots of gold rings and bracelets.
He just likes to feel.
He just draws attention to his hands.
If he was a real healer, he wouldn't need to put all this spangly jewellery on it to make you think, oh, his hands are successful.
They might heal me.
So anyway, you might win tickets to go and see Keen tomorrow night if you correctly guess the celebrity that I am being regressed into the roles of, if that makes any sense.
I hear it's a relatively easy one this week.
Man, it's so easy.
We haven't even won last week.
This week, I think it's the easiest one ever, so stand by those photos.
It's gonna be a bun fight for the Keen tickets.
Yeah, you'll get it immediately.
If you want to go see Keen tomorrow night, then check out Celebrity Regression.
Also, later in the show, we have a later review of Troy for you.
We have Scallywag's song.
He's done a song, it's very much streets, which is getting rave reviews, and Scallywag basically blows the streets out of the water to kind of finish off our whole rock rap thing that we've been encouraging people to do, rapping over rock instrumentals.
So we have a feature-length Scallywag rap for you.
We've also got Ditties in the Dock, as well as other rubbishy chat.
I'm not implying that... Speaking of which... Yeah, what?
This week I went to see Van Helsing.
Ooh, why did you do that?
I thought you weren't going to.
Well, that's a very good question.
Why did I go and see Van Helsing?
But you knew what it was going to be like.
I didn't.
I always think this one might be the one.
You know?
I think... And you know what?
I've walked out.
I walked out of The Mummy.
I walked out of The Mummy Returns, but then I came back and bought them on DVD.
You returned?
I returned.
Van Helsing, I paid a tenner to see.
Empire Leicester Square.
It was awesome.
Awesome.
It was so awesome I left after half an hour.
Oh, that's how awesome it was.
Bad awesome.
You know what I loved about it?
What?
All my favorite monsters.
Yeah.
All my favorite boring old monsters.
Well, the wolf man.
Why is the wolf man in it?
I can't believe the wolf man's on the posters as if you're supposed to go, the wolf man?
I love the wolf man.
The hairy face and the growling.
Ah, the wolf man.
Frankenstein, don't you love Frankenstein?
I'm walking slowly.
I'm walking slowly.
That's all he does.
I'm gonna kill some who have been pushed away.
Is it supposed to be camp, the film?
It's beyond camp.
It's Centre Park's.
I'm trying not to swear it was so bad.
No, it wasn't bad, it was awesome.
It was awesome to see Nick Cotton finally getting his big screen break as Dracula.
Is he in there?
No, but he looks just like Nick Cotton.
Who's the main guy?
Hugh Jackman.
Hugh Jackman?
and Kate Beckinsale.
Three hot supermodels play Dracula's maidens and when they become naked, they transfer into evil vampires.
All their nipples and bits disappear.
Oh, that's a shame.
They just go all smooth because it's a 12A.
It's a 12A, that's a disaster.
Well, it would be distracting if the wolf man's knackers were flopping around as he leapt over the camera.
I saw, what's his name, the man, I'm just thinking about that.
Is this a tangent?
Small tangent.
Have you got more to say about Van Helsing?
Yes.
Okay.
Well here's a tiny tangent for you.
Who's the guy, Eric Banner, who played the Hulk was on Jonathan Ross' show last night.
No, Eric Banner is the name of the guy who turns into the Hulk.
The guy who played the Hulk.
No, David Banner is the guy who turns into the Hulk.
What are you talking about?
I got it right the first time!
Eric Bana is the name of the actor who plays David Bana.
It's a bit of a coincidence, isn't it?
Have you only just worked that out?
Yeah.
Did you also work out that it was directed by Ang Lee?
And don't make me Ang Lee.
You wouldn't like me when I'm Ang Lee.
So Jonathan was just saying to Eric Bana, so what's the deal with his trousers?
You know, obviously the trousers would fall off if someone grew to that size.
And Eric Band just said, well, you know, it's a kids film, you can't see the Hulk's knob.
What did Jonathan say to that?
He just giggled in his floppy haired way and carried on.
Anyway, continue with Van Helsing.
Van Helsing, he's so awesomely skilled, he's got a Gatling crossbow.
Oh no.
And it takes him about 4000 bolts just to nip one of the woman's wings.
Literally, he's the most unskilled man in the world.
Are you fading in a track?
It's a long fade.
Is it?
Okay.
The CGI in Van Helsing is done in an amazing new way.
I think what they did was make the film and give it to about ten twelve-year-old boys and then give them a box of indelible pens and just let them loose on it.
On everything and wings and making everyone all muscley and thingies in the mouth.
I tell you what Van Helsing's like, it's like the ten loudest action films ever projected on top of each other at the same time, with all their soundtracks playing at the same time, at a million decibels.
And even on DVD would this be a possible purchase?
Nope.
Oh dear.
That's Van Helsing.
Avoid it!
Here's the verb.
The Verve with a shortened version of Bittersweet Symphony.
Shortened and slightly improved.
Sweetened.
Yes.
And now Celebrity Regression.
Welcome to the surgery.
Once again Adam is going to be regressed into the body and films of a famous film star.
In order to win tickets to the Keene concert tomorrow evening.
No, tickets and album for Keen tomorrow evening at the Virgin Megastore.
What does that mean?
Tickets and album for Keen.
Oh, Keen, collect your tickets and your album from the Virgin Megastore tomorrow evening.
Is that a message for Keen?
Oh, well, we'll sort it out later.
You can see Keen playing in the Virgin Megastore and you get a free Keen album as well.
Hey!
Not really a concert, is it?
Come on, they're still playing music.
Okay, okay.
Okay, so, all you have to do is guess what famous Hollywood star Adam is being regressed into, which of their films he's being regressed into, and you could win that amazing prize.
Adam, are you ready?
Yes, I am.
Okay, listeners, if you follow these instructions too, just take a deep breath.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
Really inflate the whole of the chest.
Remember the... Sort of central in the body.
Make sure you push your stomach out as you breathe.
Let the breath out very slowly.
Sorry.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
and i want you to drift back clear your mind drift back and further back you're 10 years old you're five you're four you're three you're one year old you are in your mother's womb you are now in the life of a film star open your eyes tell us what can you see
I'm feeling calm.
Very calm.
I've been meditating for a few hours, so now I'm ready to go to work and kick some people's heads in.
You see, where I work, there tends to be a lot of violence, which I don't enjoy, but I'm very good at.
Okay, I do enjoy it.
In fact, I love it.
I love punching and doing kung-fu kicks and throwing men in cowboy hats into tables full of glasses and tearing people's throats out with my bare hands!
But it scares me too.
I need to control the violent, sexy animal in me.
That's why I meditate and try to live by a strict personal code.
It's my way or the highway.
Relax.
My way?
Breathe.
Oh, highway?
Breathe.
No.
Oh, I'm in the woods.
It's cold.
But at least I've got my gun to keep me warm.
I love my gun almost as much as I love my brother and my football buddies.
They're here too, so we can all keep each other warm.
It's nice in a way, handsome young men out here in the woods keeping each other warm.
Not in a homosexualist way, of course you understand, but in a football playing, shouting and shooting kind of way.
Anyway, we've got some chicks with us, so it's cool.
And I'm not being sexist.
I mean, toting high school girls fighting alongside boys is sexist, then sorry, but I guess I just don't know what sexism is.
It's kind of ironical, really.
Me and my brother used to come to these woods to shoot animals with our lovely guns, and now we're out here fighting for our very survivalist.
I mean, survival.
But it's fun.
Lots of fun, guns and fighting and shooting.
Fighting and shooting... Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
Just relax.
I'm... I feel different.
I'm in a big room with a big springy floor.
I feel sexy and manly, but in an artistic way.
This is not the accent I use in the film, but it is more of a true expression of the nature of my character, for I am a teacher of kind of.
During the day I teach people my craft.
Mainly rich women who don't have any real feeling for my craft.
I don't like it, it's so uptight and boring.
I feel like a sexy tiger in a tiny cage.
But when the working day is over, that's when my soul really comes to life and I can express my sexy insides in a naughty way.
Do you like it?
Do you like how my muscles, sweaty muscles start to rippling?
I'm expressing myself!
sexy springy floor muscles dancing tiger look at me calm Adam breathe breathe oh eight seven one two two two one oh four nine if you know who Adam was being regressed into
Adam and Jo on XFM, London's won at 4.9.
You join us in the middle of our celebrity regression this week.
Adam's been regressed into the life and films of a famous star, and we've got Debushish on the line.
Debushish, you there?
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, how are you?
I'm alright, thanks.
Now, if you would tell us now who you think Adam was regressed into.
Debashish, if you say the name nice and loudly, Adam will either be trapped in his regression forever or will wake up and return to normal.
Say the name now, please, Debashish.
Patrick.
You got it.
That's extraordinary.
It was quite easy.
Was it?
It was quite easy.
Which films did you recognize there, Debashish?
There was Roadhouse, which was an awful film.
Oh, steady on!
Did you say awesome?
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
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Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
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Awful!
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Awful!
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Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful!
Awful
Yeah, I can't remember that movie quite well, but I do recall, I think the Russians and the Cubans invaded?
That's correct.
Almost as good as Chuck Norris's invasion of the USA.
And what's the third film?
I think that one was actually Dirty Dancing.
Correct.
I tried to make it a bit abstract, because obviously Dirty Dancing is very easy.
But Devashish, well spotted, and you've got all the films absolutely right.
You're getting tickets to go and see Keen.
And even though it is a free gig they're playing at the Virgin Megastore, you will be standing.
No, come on.
It was a free gig, but now that it's ticketed, there's no tickets left.
You can't get them for love nor money.
These are very special tickets.
And you're in the VIP area.
Yeah, that's the thing.
You'll be standing in the VIP area.
You'll get your free album.
Yeah, and you get to snog them.
And you get to snog keen with timers.
I skipped that bit.
Come on, Debashish.
But it'll be good, man.
They're a fantastic band.
I hope you have a good time.
And thanks very much indeed for phoning in, Debashish.
Alright, thank you!
Take care, bye!
Okay, bye!
That's the delays with Nearer Than Heaven.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9 and it's a sad day today because we are losing saying goodbye to one of our key features.
Yes, dear listeners, it is with great sadness that our rock and rap feature
passes away.
So lame, isn't it?
I didn't know you were going to do it, but I've brilliantly slipped into this fantastic pastor's voice, and I'm already making loads of funeral gags.
So we've been basically encouraging you folks out there to send in your raps over instrumental breaks in rock songs.
And we had some extraordinary ones.
Absolutely.
We should have sort of spliced together a montage of the great moments, but there weren't really any.
Well, there were quite a few good ones, and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all the people that did send in their raps.
So would I, absolutely, we both would.
And yeah, thanks for taking the time.
And of course, we had Scallywag, who was our in-house rapper, and he would play his rap numbers.
And he's very much like The Streets, except quite a lot better, I think.
And Scallywag now has a proper song, a full song with verses and choruses.
And this is the very first airing of that song, and very possibly the last as well.
So here you go, this is Scallywag with Scallywag's Warning, reaching off our Roppin' Rap.
What?
It's called Scallywag's Warning?
Yeah.
It's just called Warning or Scallywag's Warning?
Scallywag's Warning.
People should be recording this, man.
Do you think people are prepared?
No, I don't think there's any way they could be prepared.
Lay it on us.
Ooh!
You know that bloke bad?
Yeah, well, he's a f***hole.
He's always hanging round my burp poorly like he's minding a golem.
It makes me sick the way he carries on.
It's wrong, I tell ya!
I'm gonna say something to that bloke that he's not careful.
One of these days, ooh!
Back by six!
Back by six!
I want you
Oh my gosh, that's unbelievable
This is the instrumental break Don't talk over it!
Sorry
to you
Wow yeah yeah mixed messages about drugs there at the end
No, it's basically don't do drugs.
With one do.
Nah, but that's to fit in with the song.
The messages don't.
That was amazing.
Yeah, well that's Scallywag rapping over the intro to a song called Warning Sign by Talking Heads.
Amazing bit of production there from Brian.
Tina Weymouth's bass and Chris France's drumming.
But they weren't involved in the Scallywag.
They didn't actually get involved personally in the Scallywag song.
And it was really good.
It was really good.
The instrumental break was weird.
It was kind of Bollywood.
It was like having 40 of you just moaning.
Yeah.
Not in a dirty way though.
No.
Anyway, that's it for rock and rap.
That's Scallywag's song.
And that's the first and last time you'll ever hear it.
We're gonna be replacing it with something equally brilliant and awesome.
We just haven't had the idea yet.
Well, we have.
We have.
We're gonna do it.
Oh, the play?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gonna be good, man.
Well, we need something that listeners can contribute to as well.
Contribute to the play.
We'll figure it out, we'll figure it out.
Oh, don't you worry.
Next week.
Maybe not next week.
It's gonna be amazing.
Maybe in a few weeks time.
Maybe in a few weeks.
When we've got our DVD done and get some thinking time.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Julianne Moore and you're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
And that was the Beastie Boys with Cha Cha- No, just one Cha, Check It Out.
And I'm your DJ, the King of Rock.
I love that single.
Yes, very good.
You know what's great about it is that the stab, whatever it is, it's just the same all the way through.
And you wait for it to go da da.
But it just doesn't.
And at first that's frustrating, but then it sort of blooms like a weird hip-hop flower.
Yeah, you get used to it.
Yeah.
You know, I saw Sharon Stone saying something interesting on TV last night.
What?
She said, I don't feel I have to be someone other than who I am.
I don't think I'm the best.
I don't think I'm the greatest.
I just think I'm good at being me.
Oh, no, I made a mistake.
It wasn't interesting.
Sorry.
Sorry about that.
I feel the same way.
Actually, no, I don't.
I think I'm pretty rubbish at being me.
This week, I saw a program called 60-Minute Makeover on ITV.
Now, this is in the afternoons, isn't it?
Yeah, Tuesday, 1pm, ITV.
And it's one hour of... Do they do up a whole house?
Yeah.
Well, they do selected rooms in the house.
The idea is that it's the whole house, but really it ends up being the bedroom, the latte in the front room.
You see, they used to do this live, I think it might have been on the BBC, and it was the most chaotic program I've ever seen.
They had to make over a whole house in an hour and a half, and the garden, and it had to build up to a climax when they revealed everything.
It had the Scottish gay guys on it, didn't it?
Justin and... what's his face?
I'm not sure it did, to be honest, but they are on again.
Well, there's a northern gay guy in this one.
and Claire Sweeney.
What more do you need?
What more?
It's just formula for guaranteed smashism.
And the thing that strikes you about the show is why, what is the point of giving yourself only 60 minutes to decorate people are going to have to live in fears?
Brian, is that your mobile phone?
That's mine, I'm afraid.
It sounded like a far off sound effect though.
That's page one, Joe.
Page one mistake.
Switch off mobile phones.
So stay calm, keep going.
Okay, so what's the point?
You're going to have to live in this place.
It's so depressing, the idea that these people are just doing these real quick fixes.
So this has always been, that's the basic flaw of all makeover shows.
The basic premise is wrong.
It's stupid.
But at the same time, that's the genius, because that's what makes it fantastic telling.
It's exciting.
And as the makeover proceeds, kind of the other layer of this multi-layered piece of old rubbish is that you get DIY hints from Claire Sweeney, for example.
If you get gloss on your carpet, don't rub it in.
Use a bit of white spirit to get it out, then use carpet shampoo.
So you think, yeah, great, thanks very much for that, Claire, that's brilliant.
You know, I probably would have just added more paint and then trodden it in for the helpful hints.
And then finally, the makeover finishes and it's unveiled to the hapless man and his two kids who live in the house.
Claire Sweeney comes out and says, Before the lounge was a dumping ground for games and toys, now it's an ultra-hip space for Andy to entertain and relax in.
And the reason it's ultra-hip is because the team have got a white canvas and stuck three banana leaves onto it with bark.
You know what they'd call Justin and Colin?
You know what I saw Justin and Colin doing today?
No.
They were in a front room that was awfully tween yesterday and just totally over and disgusting and how can you feel modern in a room like this?
So what we've done is we've got 40 meters of gold fabric and they just hung it.
over the walls.
Just this fantastic, it's like a Turkish boudoir, this fantastic romantic tent.
And they said that this terrible accent I'm doing, I know.
But then he goes, the best thing about it is that if Wendy is tired of the fabric, then all she has to do is pull it back, and there's the old wallpaper again.
Brilliant.
She just has to remove it from the... Who, what, is there one person in the world who thinks what they're doing is nice?
What essentially they're doing?
A smack addict.
Yeah.
Who's...
Right, really just shot up a lot of very powerful smack.
Might love that decor idea.
No, I don't believe it.
They're beyond the power of decor.
There can be nobody.
Well, I'll tell you who would be into it is a kid getting ready for a party.
That's essentially what they're doing.
It's doing a temporary bit of decoration, but the idea that people are going to have to live in it for a long term period is just too depressing for words.
So I was thinking of other shows that could be just done in 60 minutes, yeah?
So, you know, why not have a 60 minute driving course show?
Mmm.
Or that one that comes from the hospital.
Yeah.
Just really fast operations.
That's right, I was thinking 60 minute brain surgery.
We're running out of time, so just stitch that up.
Yeah, yeah, no, just plug that, that's fine.
And just tie the unb- yeah, whatever, that's fine.
Brilliant.
Bye!
Yeah, 60 minute brain surgery.
Right, that's the bell, time's up, put your scalpels down, pop your scalp back on.
But that's it, okay, you can't do anything else.
Now it's the moment of truth, Barry's coming round from the anaesthetic, let's see what he thinks of the 60 minute brain surgery.
Barry, how do you feel?
Okay, just blink if you like it, Barry.
Oh dear, he's not happy, or maybe he just can't blink.
You know, that kind of thing.
Yeah.
That would be good.
Well they already do, like they do Time Team is on a limit, and often they're excavating quite important historical sites, but they've got two days.
Time Team.
Or the 60 minute pregnancy.
Or 60 minute therapy for the deeply disturbed.
Yeah.
Or a 60 minute diet.
Yeah, we've got five minute news haven't we?
Do they still do that on Channel 5?
Five facts?
Yeah.
The shorter the better with everything.
Five minutes is, that's luxuriously long.
BBC 3 have sort of 30 seconds, don't they?
It's crazy!
I must be seeing that guy.
Yeah, he puts a lot into it, doesn't he?
Yeah.
Muse and sing for absolution.
We just had an idea, we were talking about, we were reading, I know this is very old news for everybody else, but I was just reading the thing that Steve Martin and Beyonce Knowles are gonna be in the new Pink Panther film.
Sounds like a terrible idea.
Then Brian, our producer, went, oh weren't they gonna do it with Chris Rock?
Chris Tucker.
Chris Tucker, so inevitably I said, oh well that would be the Black Panther.
And then we thought, wouldn't that be quite a good comedy movie about a bumbling, uh, 70s sack urban terrorist?
Yeah, I have a bomb.
I got a bomb.
And I'm going to blow up you a honkies.
Maybe not.
I don't know.
Might be a bad idea.
Talking of bad ideas...
As we've already mentioned, we've let go of rock and rap this week, so we need a new competition in the show.
And Adam and I haven't really had any ideas yet, we're working on things.
But we want to ask you, the listeners, to help us.
We'd like you to send us your ideas for competitions.
There's some basic guidelines, they need to have some sort of question that people can phone in to answer.
It would be good if they had some sort of performance elements, so Adam and I could do a bit of poncy comic acting.
And it would be good if they were in two parts, they had a sort of set up part where you establish the premise of the competition, like the brilliant mechanics of celebrity regression.
You know, you do the regression in the first part, people listen and then call in and then have to guess it in the se- Please email us your ideas to adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk or text them to the text number, which is, Adam?
Oh, 83936.
But listen, we don't want to text them, surely, because that's not going to be great.
I think that's good, because the deal is, the twist about this is that we are going to have to do one every week.
So send it in and we will, even if we get two, we'll have to try the competition out.
So however ill thought out they are, we're going to have to do a listener-created competition.
Are we going to do it next week?
Every week.
Yeah, well if we've got enough, we'll do it next week.
Go to the website for more details, www.xfm.co.uk.
And we have to do one, no matter how dreadful it is.
We'll call it the compulsory listener competition.
The compulsory quiz.
Compulsory quiz.
And, okay, so, you know, get texting, get emailing, and they could be really brilliantly clever, but the less of the better.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
We want to preferably just be able to turn up on the day and do them.
And the other thing is, if we do your competition, then you win a prize.
Yeah, so this is pretty desperate all round in a way, really, isn't it?
Because we're just saying... You might even win a prize like the tickets to the free concert.
Might be as good as that.
We're still going to continue with our own ideas that we have to actually put some work and thought into.
We've got a big one on the boil.
Big boil.
We've got a big boil.
And we're just up against it a bit at the moment because we're putting the finishing touches on our DVD and it's all a lot of work and going through rushes and all.
Yeah.
Now this will mean nothing to people who never used to watch our old show on Channel 4 but just in case you did and know why we're on here and people care about us.
We've got a DVD coming out soon and a few people have emailed in about it and it's looking really, really amazing.
The actual disc.
To me.
It's amazing.
And it plays and it's gonna be about two and a half hours of fun.
We wanted a double disc but they only gave us one.
Chris Morris gets a double disc.
You know what the truth is?
Double discs are often rip-offs.
Why?
Well, I've discovered while doing our DVD you can fit 220 minutes of material.
That's what we're being allocated.
On to a single-sided DVD.
Yeah.
A lot of double DVDs, they just spread the material thinly, charge twice the money.
That's right.
So you think it's more stuff, but it's not.
It's just the same amount of stuff spread on to double the price.
Yeah, you get a collector's edition thing, and the extra disc might only have 20 minutes of so-called exciting behind-the-scenes material, which is just an EPK, you know.
That will not be the case with the Adam and Joe DVD, which will send... Oh, for goodness sake.
Yeah, yeah, foot fighters and big me.
I love Dave, I wish I was Dave Grohl.
Do you?
Yeah, I've said this before.
No, you're right, he's a pretty cool customer.
He's a good looking man, in my opinion, even though he's slightly goofy.
But there's something so sexy about him, and he just seems like a nice guy, and I just want to hang out with him.
OK.
Now listen, at my house, I'm having a Chuck Norris season.
Don't know if you're interested.
No!
I've decided to re-appraise the word Chuck Norris.
What?
No, you're not interested?
No.
No.
We were fans of Chuck Norris.
You were, maybe.
Chuck Norris has been lost in time.
He is, you know, he was to the movies in the 80s, what, sort of Vin Diesel and The Rock are some movies now.
You were not a fan of Chuck Norris.
We laughed at Chuck Norris movies.
Nick Cheek was a famous Chuck Norris and we used to call him Nick Chuck Cheek.
Do you not remember Delta Force or Invasion USA?
I remember them.
I never watched them.
Well, I used to love Invasion USA.
Invasion USA has got the highest body count of any movie ever made.
Really?
Yeah.
How many?
I think in the 250.
Yeah, but that's not, obviously independent.
You don't count a plane being blown up, actual individuals who you see getting wasted.
It's an extraordinary film, Invasion USA, I ordered it on the internet and watched it.
And it held up, did it?
Well, it's just incredible.
Have you seen Red Dawn recently?
No, but can I finish about Invasion USA?
Go on then.
So the plot of Invasion USA, do you know what the plot is?
I can guess.
Guess?
Just guess it from the title.
Alright then, America is invaded.
Yeah, it's invaded by a sort of terrorist, ultra-terrorist, gets together every kind of terrorist in the world.
You know, Arab ones, Japanese terrorists, all of them.
And loads them onto boats, like in Saving Private Ryan.
D-Day landing boats.
And so about 20 minutes into the film, they just land on the coast of Florida.
And all these terrorists...
pile out of these boats and their plan is basically about 400 of them just to run across America and kill everybody they meet and blow everything up.
And there's a sequence where they just drive into a lovely urban environment like out of a Spielberg film.
For some reason it's night but all the kids are playing in the street and they're putting up the lights on the Christmas trees.
And the villain just drives into this little Brookside Close, gets out a bazooka, and just bazookas, seven or eight houses.
It's about a fifteen minute sequence, it's fantastic.
So they're working their way across America and it seems to be going absolutely fine.
And there's very little plot, Chuck says very little.
The villain has a flashback where he's been caught by Chuck, and Chuck says, it's time to die.
That's pithy.
Yeah, pithy.
But he gets away.
But then at the end of Invasion USA, he says, It's time to die.
And kills him!
Which is obviously a terrifically rewarding payoff.
That's right, like an Arnold Schwarzenegger thing.
Not even bothering to reverse the line or anything.
It's the way he says it though, with absolutely no nothing.
You know in the 80s, action heroes had to be emotionless and cold?
Yeah.
While Chuck Norris was beyond emotionless.
Just absolutely nothing.
That's right, because mentioning Schwarzenegger, there's none of the camp.
No, nothing.
There's nothing.
Chuck is just nothing.
He just means business.
He's got a pet armadillo.
Does he?
Yeah, which is very cute.
That's quirky.
Yeah, but then his house gets bazookas.
And they don't follow up on the armadillo.
We assume it was killed.
It knocks over its saucer of milk in quite an endearing moment.
The other key bit in Invasion USA, and do get in touch if you've seen Invasion USA, I do need help with this, is the villain standing there and there's a woman doing cocaine through a brass metal straw.
And very casually, to sort of make a point, the villain slams her head down.
And the tube goes up, the tube rams up her nose.
And in case that wasn't enough, he then picks her up and throws her out the window.
And carries on, goes on about his business.
I do recommend Invasion USA.
Alright, well let's watch it.
$8.99 on the internet.
It's a winner.
Next.
Next event. 104.96.
You're listening to Adam and Jo on XFM.
It's time for Ditties in the Dock.
This is the part of the show where Jo and I battle it out for our one, count it one, free play of the week.
Otherwise we are forced to adhere to XFM's excellent playlist.
With the exception of Scallywag.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, Scallywag.
We slipped in there.
We had to work hard though.
Yeah, we certainly did.
Well, it's a tough one this week because it's a couple of good tracks.
I know what Joe's got and it is a smash, but let me start by telling you that this week I have brought in a classic, classic song by Gil Scott-Heron and it's probably his most well-known song.
It's The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.
Now, I'm assuming you've all heard this before and will want to hear it again, but in case you've never heard this song before, this is really a piece of proto-hip-hop, I suppose.
And it just works on every single as a piece of blistering anti-establishment poetry and as a sort of groovy kind of funk workout.
Just an amazing, masterful, charismatic performance by Gil Scott-Heron, who's often known as the godfather of hip-hop.
And, boy, if you've never heard this one before, do yourself a favour and vote for it.
And if you have, then do yourself a favour and vote for it again.
So that's, uh, Gil Scott Heron is my vote for Ditties in the Dark.
Joe, what have you got?
This week, Adam and listeners, I've got, um, uh, Trio by Da Da Da.
Other way around, isn't it?
Yes, I purposely said Trio by Da Da Da.
Okay.
Da Da Da by Trio.
There you go.
And it's an amazing, blistering track.
And boy, do yourself a favour, because if you like Germans talking at you, saying things you don't know what they are, then this is the track for you.
What was the machine call they did it on?
I do not know.
I do not know.
I think it was a Casio VL tone or something.
Trio by Da Da Da is one.
I keep saying it the wrong way round.
Da Da Da by Trio.
Could I have written it the wrong way round?
That's my problem.
One of the first singles I ever bought, a fantastic single.
I listened to it this morning.
I highly recommend it.
It'll sound great in a car.
It'll sound great in your ears.
It's great.
It'll sound great in your ears.
I don't know, I'm tired.
Call 0871 2221049.
We'll take the first five callers, best of five wins.
Everyone who gets put on air for this Ditty's in the Dock segment will go and see Keen tomorrow night and get a free Keen album, which is a big deal.
Adam and Joel on XFM, London's 104.9.
It is the payoff now to Ditty's in the Dock.
Oh, I should say that was Graham Coxon with Bittersweet Bundle of Misery.
Very, very good song indeed.
And... You know, to be honest, I don't think I stand a chance.
I've never done a worse pitch for a song.
I've never actually got the name of the song wrong three times before.
You want to remind people what you voted for?
Or what you were pitching?
I was pitching Da Da Da by Trio.
There you go.
And I was pitching The Revolution Will Not Be Televised by Gil Scott-Heron.
And we haven't been trusting our producer, Brian.
We think he's been a little bit bent and twisting the results.
So this week I pressed my ear to the receiver, I listened to every single call and I watched him write it down.
And it was a very, very close battle, despite my appalling pitching.
So, let's find out who has won, Gil Scott or Trio.
Best of five will take five calls.
Kate, are you there?
I am, hello.
Is it Gil or Trio?
No, it's Da Da Da.
My trio, that's one for trio.
One for trio, straight from the off.
And you should remember, you know, it is a good song, dah, dah, dah, covered by Justine Frishman with Alaska.
Why wouldn't people know that anyway?
I'm just saying.
Yeah, okay.
Brent, are you there?
Yes, I'm here.
Is it going to be Gil or trio?
It's 2 for Trio.
Trio?
That's 2 for Trio?
It's 2 for Trio, it's okay.
Remember, this is Gil Scott-Heron I'm talking about.
It's like a seventies classic.
It's almost as if it's been sculpted in this way.
Andy, are you there?
I'm here, yeah.
Is it gonna be Gil or Trio?
I'm pointing to the genius Gil Scott-Heron.
Gil Scott-Heron.
There we go, finally.
Some sense.
This is like Connect 4, isn't it?
You know, you can sort of predict.
Anyway, keep going.
Helen, are you there?
Of course it has to be Gil.
There you go.
It's one-all, thank you Helen.
Thanks for your call Helen.
OK, the decider is Phil.
It's as if you put your piece in... I put my first piece in the middle and then... I'm trying to continue with your Connect 4 analogy.
Oh, it's exciting.
Is it going to be Gil, Scott Heron or Trio?
Here's the last caller.
The deciding vote goes to Phil.
Phil, you there?
Yep.
Hello Phil.
Gil, Scott Heron.
Oh, Phil!
Thanks very much indeed, Phil.
That's a vote for sense.
Thanks very much indeed for joining us this week.
We'll see you next week.
Bye.
You will not be able to stay home, brother.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on, and pop out.
You will not be able to lose yourself on Skag and skip out from here during commercials because the revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox and four bars without commercial interruptions.
The revolution will not show you pictures of mixtures blowing up your eyes by John Mitchell, Philo Abrams, and Spyro Agnew.
To eat hard bars confiscated from the Harlem sanctuary, the revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by the shape of a war theater, and will not star Natalie Woods and Steve McQueen, or Paul Winkle and Julia.
The revolution will not give you a brown sex appeal.
The revolution will not get rid of the nub.
The revolution will not make you look five pounds thinner because the revolution will not be televised, mother.
There will be no pictures of you and Willie Mays pushing that shopping cart down the block on the dead run, or trying to fly that color TV into a stolen ambulance.
NBC will not be able to predict the winner at age 32 or point from 29 years old.
The revolution will not be televised.
There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down bubbles on the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down bubbles on the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of Wookiee Young being run out of Harlem on the rail with a brand new process.
There will be no slow motion or still life of Roy Wilkins strolling through Watts in a red, black, and green liberation jumpsuit that he has been saving for just the proper location.
Green Lakers, Beverly Hillbillies, and who knows no person, will no longer be so damn relevant, and women will not care if they finally got down the drain on sex for tomorrow, because black people will be in the street looking for a brighter day.
The revolution will not be televised.
There will be no highlights on the 11 o'clock news and the woman liberationists, and Dr. Olaf is blowing her nose.
The revolution will not
The revolution will not be televised The revolution will not be televised